Suicide is a Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem
Dear Mikey & Vanessa,
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This phrase literally saved my life and I want you to know this to your very core. I want you to know that I understand what it feels like to want to die. I know what it feels like to feel so worthless that you don’t deserve to take up space or breath. I’ve contemplated and attempted suicide. I can’t even remember the events/feelings that led me into those dark spaces within me, but I remember the feelings of hopelessness. The depression that feels like a weighted blanket too heavy to heave off of me. I’ve cried and felt despair that felt like it would never end. It did. The phrase “it is always darkest before the dawn” may seem cliche but it. is. the. TRUTH! After each period of darkness, I’ve always felt more joy than I could have imagined for myself at my lowest points. It is important to let yourself feel, to cry, to hurt, to feel the depth of pain. But don’t be fooled into trading your precious life when you are overwhelmed by the intensity of what you feel. Know it will pass. I promise you. The only thing constant in this world is change, my loves. Your circumstances will change but your heart will remain the same. That is why it is important to trust your heart and know you can share and express yourself when you get overwhelmed. All of your siblings have been there and are here for you. We see you, love you beyond your imagination, and want you to thrive. We got you.
You will find that it is hardest to express yourself and ask for help when you are in the depths of despair. But that is when you need to call someone who loves you. I almost killed myself one day, then someone told me that they loved me and that stopped me cold. In my despair, I believed that I was unlovable. I was wrong. You will convince yourself of hateful thoughts in depression & despair. They are illusions. You cannot believe them. When you need help remembering who you are, I will remind you that you are precious. That I looooove you. That I’ve loved you since you were a bunch of cells in mom. I’ve loved you all of your life and I see how much you have to offer. Don’t let go of life. Don't let go of hope. There is always a better day ahead.
Don’t be afraid of death in this life. Instead, learn how to master your fears and harness death to help you consciously grow/unfold. Use everything that happens in this life to expand your compassion and ability to love yourself and others. Everything is temporary and you cannot hold on to anything, good or bad. Things you want to last forever are going to die. People too. You are going to die. You are already dying. You are doing as much living as you are dying at any given moment. Everyday, inside of you, cells of all kinds are being created, growing and being destroyed. That must happen for healthy functioning. I hear that it takes seven years of this life/death cycle to have an entirely new body. You two have really shown me that! I’ve watched you grow up and evolve while retaining the same essence as the first time I looked into your eyes. Imagine that! Death is a necessary and healthy part of life. Soon, I’ll get you a plant because I’ve learned this principle especially from the plants in my life. When you watch plants, you notice leaves are dying at the same time that new buds are arising. Look at the seasons. We marvel as the leaves die beautiful deaths in the fall all to be renewed in the Spring. That principle of the life/death cycle must apply also to your ideas. It must be okay allow old information to die in light of new learning. Let go of old ideas. When you know better, you do better. It is all about learning, being balanced and observing life with detachment. This is the practice of feeling ease when releasing what no longer serves you. The only thing that is constant in this life is change, my love. Good, bad, or otherwise, everything will pass. Everything is in motion. You can move with it with ease when you follow your heart.
All my love,
Titilayo
